Good foreplay is the bridge between where you actually are and where you want to be. But for it to do its job, you have to be honest — about what you’re feeling, what you need, and where your body is starting from. That honesty is what turns foreplay from something mindless into something that actually brings you alive.

In this episode, we walk through different entry points using the love languages as a framework: touch that’s attuned to your energy, words that open and expand your heart and body, acts of service that say “I’ve been thinking about you,” and why stating what’s off the table tonight can be one of the hottest things you do before sex.

We also get into:

• What to do when foreplay feels like a burden instead of a gift

• “Precare”, aka what your nervous system needs before it can even register a spark

• Types of foreplay that don’t involve touch, eye-gazing, or even being in-person

• Using your voice, tone, and words as foreplay before anyone takes their clothes off

• How boundaries can create heat, not just safety

Chapter Timestamps

0:00 — What we’re talking about today: foreplay & precare

6:00 — Precare vs. foreplay: what your nervous system needs before the spark can catch

9:27 — PSA: Turn-on actually doesn’t have to start in your genitals

10:50 — Touch as foreplay: the difference between what melts you open and what makes you want to crawl away

14:41 — Foreplay for avoidant people, for whom intense touch or eye contact can be too much

18:00 — Words as foreplay: what you say (and how you say it) can warm both of you up before anyone undresses

25:40 — The words that often relax and open our nervous systems: praise and appreciation

28:13 — When you’re first dating, how words can act as foreplay while keeping the pace slow

30:43 — Quality time as foreplay: dinner, spooning, laughing together (and why female bodies need lots of it)

34:19 — Gifts and treats as foreplay: a glass of wine, chocolate, lingerie, a collar perhaps…

37:39 — Giving lingerie can do double duty: it’s a gift and an affirmation, “I love your body, and want to see it in this”

40:11 — Acts of service as foreplay: washing the sheets, lighting candles, organizing the garage

46:35 — Boundaries can also be foreplay: knowing what’s off the table makes it easier to play full out

52:01 — How boundaries can put intimacy BACK on the table, because it doesn’t have to be full-blown sex or nothing at all

58:32 — If foreplay feels like a chore, you’ve left yourself out of it

Thanks for reading and listening to Erotic Reclamation!

If this episode did something for you — turned you on, made you think, made you feel a little less alone — subscribe, leave a comment, share it with someone who needs it… and then come back for more.

Because you get to want more.

With love,

Kari & Nicholette

P.S. If you’re on YouTube, and would enjoy seeing our endless expressions as we talk about all these sexy, vulnerable, holy things, you can also watch this episode:

In this episode, we get into what happens when your mind and body are on different pages during sex. As two women who have struggled with orgasm specifically, we unpack how the pressure to achieve orgasm (or deliver orgasm to your partner) collides with a body that has its own history — of trauma, of shame, of disassociation — and might need something completely different in order to actually feel good. Not just to orgasm, but simply to be present, connected, and alive in the experience.

We also get into:

• Why telling yourself “I should be turned on right now” makes it harder to get there

• What it means to have desire without attachment to outcome, and why that’s not the same as not caring

• How to learn what yes and no actually feel like in your body, outside of sexual situations

• What happens when you stop treating arousal as a prerequisite for saying yes

• How to start listening to your body’s signals without making them mean something is wrong with you

Chapter Timestamps

0:00 — What we’re talking about today: when your mind and body are on different pages about sex

1:51 — Why your body defaults to being tense, performative, unfeeling during sex

14:00 — What changes when your goal shifts from “great sex” to “staying present”

15:23 — Why telling yourself you should be turned on makes it harder to get there

18:27 — The wild, delicious world of sex that opens up when you stop focusing on orgasm

32:46 — You can actually be a fuck yes to sex without being aroused, and how to work that gap

38:03 — ‘I want sex’ means a thousand things, and the more specific you get, the more you’ll actually get what you want

43:43 — How shame has infiltrated sex-positive spaces, making us feel like we need to learn better techniques rather than learn how to embrace our bodies

46:40 — Why and how your body signals it might need things to slow down, even when your mind is fully game

48:10 — How and why to learn what yes and no actually feel like in your body

Thanks for reading and listening to Erotic Reclamation!

If this episode did something for you — turned you on, made you think, made you feel a little less alone — subscribe, leave a comment, share it with someone who needs it… and then come back for more.

Because you get to want more.

With love,

Kari & Nicholette

P.S. If you’re on YouTube, and would enjoy seeing our endless expressions as we talk about all these sexy, vulnerable, holy things, you can also watch this episode:

In this episode, we break down aftercare into pieces that make it digestible for any couple, and any person (because yes, there is solo aftercare!). We walk through different aftercare styles using the love languages as a framework, from physical touch and quality time to words, treats, and acts of service, and share personal stories of how aftercare has shown up in our own lives, sometimes in surprising ways.

So stay tuned for a juicy, mushy, vulnerable convo about:

• How to figure out what you need after intimacy

• The difference between aftercare that creates connection and aftercare that avoids it

• Why your aftercare love language might be different from your everyday one

• How aftercare works in solo intimacy, casual dynamics, and long-distance relationships

• Aftercare for Doms and tops, because it’s not just the receiving partner!

Chapter Timestamps

0:00 — What we’re talking about today: aftercare, aka a bridge back to real life

2:43 — Why knowing there’s a soft landing makes it safer to be vulnerable and deeply connect

12:12 — Debriefing as aftercare: replaying the highlight reel together

17:25 — Physical touch as aftercare (and what to do if your partner isn’t into it)

20:48 — Your aftercare love language might surprise you

30:54 — What solo aftercare can look like, after intimacy with someone who isn’t your partner

33:51 — Words as aftercare: praise, gratitude, and the debrief that doesn’t turn into a fight

37:33 — Self aftercare: writing, prayer, and giving your post-intimacy energy somewhere to go

39:53 — Treats and gifts as aftercare: snacks and tea!!

43:52 — Acts of service as aftercare: washing, resetting, tending to each other

48:24 — When aftercare becomes a way to control intimacy instead of deepen it

52:34 — How aftercare can be integrated into a relationship

53:32 — What are your tenderest parts asking for after you’ve been that open?

58:18 — Aftercare doesn’t have to end when you leave, it can involve checking in days later

Thanks for reading and listening to Erotic Reclamation!

If this episode did something for you — turned you on, made you think, made you feel a little less alone — subscribe, leave a comment, share it with someone who needs it… and then come back for more.

Because you get to want more.

With love,

Kari & Nicholette

P.S. If you’re on YouTube, and would enjoy seeing our endless expressions as we talk about all these sexy, vulnerable, holy things, you can also watch this episode:

Specifically, we get into:

• What energetic sex actually is and how it shows up in the body

• The difference between energetic merging and energetic exchange

• Energetic sex as foreplay, as the main event, or anywhere in between

• How to start exploring energetic sex — solo or with a partner

• Energetic boundaries, integrity, consent, and sovereignty, because when energy is involved, things can be mushy…

Whether you’re already energy-curious or deeply skeptical, this conversation offers a grounded, personal, and surprisingly practical look at what becomes possible when you stop limiting sex to what’s physical.

Chapter Timestamps

0:00 — What we're talking about today: energetic sex

3:48 — Why a stranger’s look can make your skin crawl, or light you up

11:10 — A simple way to start feeling energy with your own hands

13:48 — When all you can feel during sex is “good” or “bad”, and how to unlock more

19:15 — What if you’re not wet or hard… does that mean you’re not turned on?

24:34 — What energetic sex actually looks like (it can be so subtle, but so delicious!)

26:48 — The shivers and shakes you’ve been holding back might be orgasmic

30:27 — How breath alone can create sexual charge between two people

32:46 — “I was actually having sex and nobody in the room knew it”: energetic boundaries

38:23 — What changes when you practice energy with someone you’re in love with

41:16 — If you feel drained by other people's energy, your boundaries might be wide open

48:06 — For the skeptics: “My eyes were closed, but my body still rose where his hand hovered over me”

51:37 — When your partner’s breath in another room becomes foreplay

53:16 — Why deep intimacy doesn’t require losing yourself in your partner

1:00:09 — What it feels like to reconnect with someone through energy after years apart

1:02:25 — Where to start exploring this — solo, partnered, or skeptical

Thanks for reading and listening to Erotic Reclamation!

If this episode did something for you — turned you on, made you think, made you feel a little less alone — subscribe, leave a comment, share it with someone who needs it… and then come back for more.

Because you get to want more.

With love,

Kari & Nicholette

P.S. If you’re on YouTube, and would enjoy seeing our endless expressions as we talk about all these sexy, vulnerable, holy things, you can also watch this episode:

We walk through what it actually looks like to move from disconnection to communal revelation: slowing down, getting curious about what’s underneath a desire or a boundary, and co-creating something new (instead of defaulting to compromise, which, in the erotic realm, tends to kill the spark). Along the way, we get honest about our own patterns — from Kari’s defensive “here’s my list of receipts” to Nicholette’s vulnerability about being overstimulated by touch — and demonstrate in real time how curiosity can unlock a new, spicy version of relating that neither person saw coming.

Whether you’re navigating a desire your partner doesn’t seem to share, struggling to articulate what you actually need, or wondering why you keep finding yourself saying (or thinking), “I already told you what I want”, this one is full of practical reframes for finding a deeper, more satisfying intimacy.

Chapter Timestamps

1:23 — What we're talking about today: unspoken assumptions as the silent killer of intimacy

2:19 — Reality TV as a mirror: what happens when you project your past onto a new partner

4:06 — "I don't feel wanted": why vague desires leave your partner guessing

6:37 — Getting resourced: calming your nervous system before having an honest conversation

10:11 — Reframes that can return you to each other in moments of conflict and/or misunderstanding

14:01 — The power of getting specific about what you actually want

16:35 — Why compromise is not what we're going for in the erotic realm

17:55 — The alternative: using curiosity to find the shared "why" underneath conflicting desires

20:59 — Live demo: negotiating between two people with different desires for touch

30:18 — The payoff: landing on a new, steamy dynamic neither person expected

33:20— When your partner's boundary feels like rejection (but isn't about you)

37:41 — Coercion disguised as curiosity: the sneaky question trap

41:31 — You don't have to get it right the first time: starting messy and building trust

43:03 — "I need more sex": unpacking what that sentence actually means

50:48 — How to handle the emotions that can come up when your partner brings a new desire or boundary to you

54:42 — How we can help: holding the bigger yes so you can be messy

Thanks for reading and listening to Erotic Reclamation!

If this episode did something for you — turned you on, made you think, made you feel a little less alone — subscribe, leave a comment, share it with someone who needs it… and then come back for more.

Because you get to want more.

With love,

Kari & Nicholette

P.S. If you’re on YouTube, and would enjoy seeing our endless expressions as we talk about all these sexy, vulnerable, holy things, you can also watch this episode:

Yes. ALL of it.

In this episode, we break down the recurring elements that make romantasy and romance novels so addictive, while also making the case that they’re not just escapism. They’re the blueprint, showing us what we are craving, and the exact conditions to experience it.

Specifically, we get into:

• The slow burn: why knowing glances and deliberate restraint build more heat than anything explicit

• Hearts of gold: what the “bad boy with a soft center” trope is actually doing to your nervous system

• Power dynamics: how difference creates attraction, and how to find it again in a long-term relationship

• Edging: what it is, why it works, and how to use it way beyond the bedroom

And as a bonus, we unpack the Dominance that these books paint so exquisitely. Because while D/s dynamics may look like control on the surface, for many Doms it’s actually about freeing something in their subs, which the best romance novels understand intuitively.

This episode is for the booktok girlies, the befuddled boyfriends, and anyone who wants fairytale romance to exist in real life.

(Heads up: there are some internet glitches that cause brief cut-outs during this episode.)

Chapter Timestamps

0:00 — Intro: romantasy as a cultural phenomenon and why we're talking about them

1:56 — From grocery store covers to ACOTAR: a brief history of erotic literature and what it's opened up

7:42 — Element 1: The slow burn — sparks, knowing glances, and why restraint builds more heat than anything explicit

15:44 — Protagonists aren't waifs: why powerful women still get swept off their feet (and what that permission gives us)

16:10 — Element 2: Hearts of gold — the bad boy with unexpected depth, and why complexity is the real turn-on

20:50 — High stakes and choosing each other through challenge: how to bring this into a real relationship

24:33 — Element 3: Power dynamics — difference, pedestaling, and the flame that ignites when someone doesn't speak to you from below

31:28 — Rediscovering difference in long-term relationships — and why starting small works better than going dramatic

37:25 — Element 4: Edging — what it is, why it works, and why it's especially powerful for people who can't get out of their heads

44:10 — Creating space and tension on purpose: agreed-upon no-touch windows, countdown texts, and the knowing glance from across the room

50:12 — It's okay to yearn: owning the desire without needing to fix it

Thanks for reading and listening to Erotic Reclamation!

If this episode did something for you — turned you on, made you think, made you feel a little less alone — subscribe, leave a comment, share it with someone who needs it… and then come back for more.

Because you get to want more.

With love,

Kari & Nicholette

P.S. If you’re on YouTube, and would enjoy seeing our endless expressions as we talk about all these sexy, vulnerable, holy things, you can also watch this episode:

What if sex is a part of your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health?

What if we spoke about sexual health the same way we speak about physical health?

SAY WHAT.

Stay with me. For your physical health you go to the gym, some people like 1:1 trainers, some people like small workout classes, some people like virtual, at-home workouts, some people need in-person training, and some people work out on their own entirely and crush it. And then there’s every kind of workout under the sun. Running, crossfit, hyrox, weight lifting, pilates, yoga, cycling, walking, the list goes on and on.

It’s easy to see with working out that it’s totally cool that people like what they like; as long as they’re doing something to keep their bodies healthy, heck yes! Sometimes they need accountability, sometimes they need help knowing what to do, sometimes they have a bum knee and need help with a specific problem. ALL GOOD.

Now spin that metaphor on sex… immediate mind glitch… does she mean group sex classes — like orgies? Ha! No. Unless that’s your go-to “workout” (wink). Don’t be scared.

I mean you might prioritize intimacy no problem, on your own, from home and be crushing it. HECK YES. Keep at it. Love that for you. Applause.

However, for some of us, it might not be so easy. You might know what you need to do, but you don’t create time to do it: you need accountability and prioritization. You might not know what else is out there to even want sexually: you need help exploring. You might have something that’s getting in the way of your sex and the vitality you crave: you need specific support around an issue.

There’s one more parallel that I want to bring up: being educated about working out and actually doing a workout are two different things. It’s the same with sex. If you want more toe-curling pleasure in your life, at some point you have to go beyond only reading, learning, listening, and talking about it. You have to get on the mat and get some reps in! This is the step where most people (understandably) falter. And this is where we and our work comes in. So I want to lay out some common misconceptions about how we help people work out their intimacy muscles:

Myth: A space like Erotic Reclamation that openly talks about sex must be pushing casual sex, orgies, open relating, and polyamory.

Reality:

We want to help you discover what YOU want your unique and specific sex life to look like! It’s not our idea of what an ideal sex life looks like. The power to dream it and create it is in your hands. We’ll help you get there. And it’s worth noting that you can be as private as you want in our community and programs.

Myth: You have to be experienced or really kinky to do this.

Reality:

You have a body? You desire intimacy? You desire pleasure to move through you, with yourself or another? You’re perfect! We can meet you where you’re at in life. If you want MORE from sex you’re in the right place.

Myth: I have to have a partner to work on my sex life.

Reality:

Good sex starts with YOU. There is so much you can start doing by yourself to prepare yourself for the kind of partnership you deeply crave.

Myth: Sex is all about techniques and positions.

Reality:

That is a small component of fulfilling sex. The rest of it revolves around: being able to feel sensation in your body, to relax, to be vulnerable, to own your desires, to connect with yourself, to connect with another, to feel another, as well as having the skills to navigate challenges, to communicate, and to lean into love and connection. Toys, techniques, and positions are only the sprinkles on top. (And yes, sometimes anatomy needs to be addressed! This position hurts and with a pillow it’s amazingly better!)

Myth: If you sign up for our programs, you’re going to have to get naked around a bunch of strangers.

Reality:

If anyone signs up for our programs hoping for that, they will likely be disappointed. There are consensual, highly-structured spaces in our retreats to explore nudity and erotic play, but mostly, we’re sitting around in a circle (clothed), getting in touch with our feelings. Vulnerability-naked happens a lot (honestly can be scarier than naked naked - we gotchu). We’re getting to know what desire feels like in our own bodies, and how we can stoke it. We’re discovering what we’ve been craving that we haven’t dared to ask for. We’re learning how to negotiate with our partners when we want different things, and how to repair when something doesn’t go as planned. We’re working through the shame that has held us back from doing all of this before. Because if you want good sex more often than a blue moon, you have to learn how to cultivate it.

***

You may be thinking, “Okay I hear you… but here’s the thing: I’m embarrassed to admit I need some help in this department.”

I get it. I help people with this because it hasn’t been easy for me. My path to good sex was so confusing that even the shame of talking about sex publicly couldn’t stop me from sharing what I’ve learned with others.

The reality is, compared to other arenas in life, it can be quite tricky to find a space to discuss sex that doesn’t get weird, pushy, sleazy, dogmatic, or where the sub-text isn’t shame, avoidance, or misconceptions passed down for generations. There’s nothing wrong with you for needing help, or not knowing how to ask for it. You were never given the permission, the access to resources, or the safety to find what you need. Often just looking clearly and soberly at the state of your erotic life currently can be life-changing.

So… Quick place to start:

Journal on the following 2 questions

What would my ideal and perfect sex life look like?

No caveats of what is or isn’t possible. Just carte blanche. What would my ideal and perfect sex life look like?

Ex: I would like to have sex ___ number of times per week, varying between loving missionary connected sex, and kinky hot sex, and energetic sex. Go into specifics if it lights you up! Oral? Hands? Genitals? Location? Length? Frequency? How do you feel before? How do you feel during? How do you feel after?

What does my current sex life look like?

No shame or shade! You are in data gathering mode. Also don’t rush to “fix” anything here. Just describe what is so. Take an erotic inventory.

Ex: I currently have sex ____ number of times per week. They initiate or I initiate. Usually it goes from kissing to penetration to oral to completion. Usually taking ____ number of minutes. Or I currently masturbate ____ times per week with porn or with a vibrator. I am drawn to this type of fantasy or erotica. My body feels best in these positions or hurts in these positions. I like this about my sex life… I don’t like this about my sex life…

(You’ll find a bonus exercise for couples at the end of this post.)

NOW YOU HAVE THE BEGINNINGS OF A MAP!

You can’t get to where you want to go if you don’t know where you are starting.

And you’ll end up somewhere, but maybe not where you want if you haven’t been clear where you would like to end up!

How you get to your ideal sex life may now be easily apparent. Sometimes the clarity of looking already starts to correct the course. Sometimes it may seem like there is a massive hurdle, or you are miles away. Sometimes you just realize you need to prioritize spending time moving towards your destination.

We all know where this is going… the journey is the destination. But in a less cliche way! That’s why I love sex, the journey REALLY IS the destination. Because on the journey, you’re actually putting in sexy (sometimes messy, vulnerable, scary) reps, and every one is another moment to enjoy. That is kind of the point, yeah? To enjoy sex and connection with self and another?

And if you feel like some guidance would be helpful (or even fun) on that journey, we are here to help you:

• Figure out where you are, and where you want to go, and how to get there

• Learn how to communicate your desires, negotiate differing desires, and repair hurt

• Work with your partner to become agents of love and pleasure and desire for each other

• Meet your shame, and find out what’s underneath (and maybe how to get kinky with it)

Uncertain where to start? Where to drop in? Send us an email at eroticreclamation@gmail.com. We can do a 30 min consultation to help you find the best way to use our resources!!

Stay sexy ya’ll,

Kari

Couples Bonus Exercise: Discuss insights from the above journaling exercise together

If this immediately sounds terrifying, take a breath. There are ways to share desires that shut down connection and intimacy; blame, fear, and shame for example can all get in the way of clearly seeing yourself and your partner. But there are also ways to share desires that create connection and more intimacy.

Use this formula: Share multiple things you love about your current intimacy and then one thing — ONLY ONE — that you want more of in your intimacy. Be specific with something they can do with their body!

Ex. I love how you initiate flirting in the kitchen and small touches throughout the day. I love how much I can feel your desire for me in your eyes. I’d love more time spent on my upper body before we move to touching between my legs.

Ex. I love the noises you make, the way you look while we’re intimate, your sexy body and ass, and I would love to feel your desire for me more often, which I would feel by you touching me as if your hands were hungry for me.

This gives your partner easy wins, and frames it in a way that doesn’t make them feel lacking. They hear: “Oh, this is something they want!” Not: “You don’t touch me enough, or you rush to touch me there.”

Blame doesn’t evoke the intimacy you are craving. Specificity and desire DO!

Because while Dominance may look like control, for many Dom(me)s it is actually about freeing something in their subs. They’re helping their subs to release things like overthinking, caretaking, or the wound they’ve been quietly managing for years. So a good Dom(me) doesn’t just command. They create a container safe enough for the sub to find a level of pleasure and release they couldn’t have found on their own.

We also get into:

• What attunement actually means in a Dom/sub dynamic (hint: it’s not giving someone exactly what they expected)

• How to alchemize wounds with precision — and why, done right, it can feel like the deepest form of being seen

• What to do when the Dom(me) hits their limit mid-scene

• Why Dominance, at its core, is an act of service

Whether you’re curious about power play, just starting to explore what it means to Dom(me), or wondering why being Dommed sounds so appealing — this episode is a real, grounded look at what Dominance actually requires, from two people who have practiced and experienced it.

Chapter Timestamps

0:00 — Intro & framing: we spent the first episodes on submission, now we’re pulling the pin on Dominance

1:15 — Dominance as competence, not identity: Kari’s relationship to the Dominant role and why she’s drawn to it

3:20 — The sadistic side: why getting license to inflict consensual discomfort is actually freeing

5:10 — The receiving side: Nicholette on discovering her masochistic side and the healing pain gives her access to

9:58 — The improv of Dominance: treating every submissive response as inspiration

15:31 — Attunement: what it actually means to read a body in real time

22:01 — Being brought somewhere greater than you could go yourself: surrender begins when the ground falls away

24:59 — Alchemizing psychological wounds with precision: an art that requires your own inner work

32:55 — When the Dom(me) hits their limit: practical tips for when things go sideways

40:59 — Aftercare is non-negotiable: setting up a clear plan that holds both people regardless of what happens

45:00 — Repair as intimacy: bumping up against each other and coming back closer

54:33 — Dom(me) integrity: holding what you can actually hold, and what the scene is in service of

1:00:36 — The gifts of Domming: service, surprise, freeing people up

Thanks for reading and listening to Erotic Reclamation!

If this episode did something for you—turned you on, made you think, made you feel a little less alone—subscribe, leave a comment, share it with someone who needs it… and then come back for more.

Because you get to want more.

With love,

Kari & Nicholette

P.S. If you’re on YouTube, and would enjoy seeing our endless expressions as we talk about all these sexy, vulnerable, holy things, you can also watch this episode:

From early experiences in chat rooms (where anonymity can provide safety and permission to explore) to emerging data on the rise of physically intense porn, we’re asking: What gets lost when we remove bodies, relational friction, and human-to-human care from sex?

We also get into:

• The gifts and shadows of sexual fantasy (and when it becomes dissociation)

• Why care for another person’s body adds an important dimension to real-life sex

• A full-body practice for bringing fantasy out of your head and into sensation (breath, movement, sound)

• Sexual suppression and how unowned desire comes out sideways (affairs, violence, addiction)

• The seductive danger of frictionless pleasure and why getting exactly what you want might leave you empty

• How to stay present during sex when your mind wants to wander

If you’ve ever wondered whether your fantasies are healthy, how to bring their imagined pleasure into your body, or why dissociated sex leaves you hungry, this one’s for you.

Chapter Timestamps

0:00 — Why this conversation makes us squirmy (and why we're having it anyway)

8:34 — Chat rooms as training wheels: when technology creates safety to explore

11:07 — Can an AI companion meet the same need as a real human body?

13:01 — The seductive trap of frictionless fantasy

20:22 — The Economist data: choking, intensity, and what's being normalized

29:00 — Care towards your and your partners’ bodies is the distinction

36:47 — Practice: how to metabolize fantasy through your physical body

41:13 — How unowned desires come out sideways and how to own them without acting on them

44:04 — Why getting exactly what you want often leaves you empty

46:34 — How to bring your fantasy to your partner, rather than using them while being lost in your fantasy

Thanks for reading and listening to Erotic Reclamation!

If this episode did something for you—turned you on, made you think, made you feel a little less alone—subscribe, leave a comment, share it with someone who needs it… and then come back for more.

Because you get to want more.

With love,

Kari & Nicholette

P.S. If you’re on YouTube, and would enjoy seeing our endless expressions as we talk about all these sexy, vulnerable, holy things, you can also watch this episode:

In this episode, we introduce our five-stage desire framework: feeling/sensing, articulating, claiming, negotiating, and giving/receiving. We explore how lingering in the space between wanting and having opens up to realizing what we’re really craving, enjoying the rush of claiming your desire, and relishing in the exquisite ache of simply desiring, whether or not the desire is ever “met.”

Along the way, we also get into:

• How to start feeling sensation in your body (even if you’re disconnected)

• Working with taboo or shadow desires to find the “nutrient” you’re craving

• The power of claiming what you want out loud, even just to yourself

• Why receiving is actually one of the most generous acts you can give your partner

• Small time frames and safe words as tools for staying present

If you’ve ever felt disconnected from your desire, ashamed of what you want, afraid of being rejected, or stuck in negotiations with a partner, this episode offers practical entry points and a fresh way of thinking about what desire is really for.

Chapter Timestamps

01:29 - What we’re talking about today: the five stages of desire

02:57 - Why desire makes a powerful North Star

05:40 - Stage 1: Feeling & sensing your desire

13:08 - Practical ways to start feeling your desire if that’s hard to do

16:10 - Stage 2: Articulating your desire

20:55 - Working with taboo desires to find what we’re really craving

23:56 - Stage 3: Claiming your desire

27:37 - Why and how to practice claiming your desire out loud

31:21 - The power of sitting with desire before acting on it

33:02 - Stage 4: Negotiating your desire

37:41 - How to meet a partner’s conflicting desire with curiosity

41:56 - Stage 5: Giving and receiving your desire

47:13 - Why you can always say no to something you asked for

49:54 - Where you can receive support to go deeper into your desire

Thanks for reading and listening to Erotic Reclamation!

If this episode did something for you—turned you on, made you think, made you feel a little less alone—subscribe, leave a comment, share it with someone who needs it… and then come back for more.

Because you get to want more.

With love,

Kari & Nicholette

P.S. If you’re on YouTube, and would enjoy seeing our endless expressions as we talk about all these sexy, vulnerable, holy things, you can also watch this episode:

Part of why I can still access it is because, in some ways, I still feel it. In fact, just now, I gripped my left thumbnail between my teeth, flirting with gnawing it off, like I did most of its red polish earlier this week. I’ve meditated every day, expressed my fears, and received outpourings of support from my colleagues and loved ones, and yet the fear pulses just as strongly.

Yes, I’m scared. I’m still scared.

I’m not alone. Kari messaged me today expressing her own version of this fear. It unfolded differently for each of us. For me, it appeared in fixations on the excruciating number of times I said “like,” internet glitches cutting off my sentences, and self-consciousness around overpowering Kari in the conversation. Kari had her own particulars, but today it came through as a very real inner-conflict with seeing the words “I’m a submissive” above her face on our Instagram reel. For her, those words don’t necessarily resonate as true, and they’re potentially confronting for someone who stumbles upon our feed.

I now understand why many writers, especially women writers of the past, have used pen names, and why so many people polish and perfect their internet personas. It is not only emotionally vulnerable to be this exposed, but it is also vulnerable in the “susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm” definition of the word.

We created Erotic Reclamation, the business itself and now the podcast, to attempt to shift the paradigm of shame around sex, to take desire, pleasure, kink, intimacy, and all things erotic out of the shadows and shed light on them in a very human way. To do this, we are faced with our own shadows, shame and demons. Publicly. We also face the very real fact that it could be dangerous to be this exposed, especially in the realm of sex because of the exact paradigm that we are attempting to shift.

We have so much working against us. Sex is messy. Sex is confusing. Sex is weaponized. Sex isn’t properly educated. But it’s also beautiful, healing, transformative, fun, and divine. We make space for all of it.

It’s possible that I/we may never stop being afraid, but we’re going to keep setting aside time to keep the conversation going, making sex-positive offerings, and posting podcast episodes even with the fear. We’re going to keep doing it even when it’s messy and imperfect. Because it’s through our humanity that hopefully those of you out there feel even an iota safer to feel and express yourselves in the world of sex, even with your own fear, shame, discomfort, confusion, or whatever else makes it hard to do. The risk is worth it. Your freedom is too important to stay quiet.

The conversation also gets real about what happens when submission stops feeling easy — when you’re uncomfortable, in your head, or caught in stories that say something’s wrong with you. We both share personal experiences of fighting our own surrender, navigating physical discomfort, and when “the shitty Dom in your head” gets really loud. We discuss how a simple reminder (”you chose this”) can be a powerful tool for bringing a submissive back to themselves.

We also get into:

• How physical discomfort becomes a portal (or a block) in submission

• The internal voices that can pull you away from the surrender you crave

• Navigating the transition from deep surrender back to everyday life

• Solo submission as preparation for relational dynamics

• Rewriting the story that you shouldn’t desire what you desire

Whether you’re in a 24/7 dynamic, exploring solo submission, or curious about what healthy surrender looks like in any aspect of your life, this episode offers honest insight into the active, embodied, sometimes gritty practice of being an empowered submissive.

(Heads up: there are some internet glitches that cause brief cut-outs during this episode.)

Chapters Timestamps

0:00 — Welcome to Erotic Reclamation

1:17 — What do you submit to? The divine, your partner, the specific desires of your Dom, etc

6:51 — The trifecta of submission: to the self, the other, and the “divine third” of relationship

9:31 — “You chose this”: the phrase that can bring submissives back to their bodies

12:41 — The paradox of submission: loving being told what to do until it’s not what you want

15:10 — The ache of coming back: transitioning from deep surrender to everyday life

21:39 — Physical discomfort as a portal: when your body says “I could die” but you’re actually safe

25:45 — Staying with sensation: naming it, giving it color, finding what’s on the other side

30:23 — Dealing with the internal story that your pleasure and/or desires are broken

36:15 — The “shitty Dom in your head”: personifying the inner voices that try to run the show

41:05 — Solo submissives: how staying with your own submission makes you an invitation

44:44 — Taking ownership of your sex: why you don’t have to wait for a partner to begin

Thanks for reading and listening to Erotic Reclamation!

If this episode did something for you—turned you on, made you think, made you feel a little less alone—subscribe, leave a comment, share it with someone who needs it… and then come back for more.

Because you get to want more.

With love,

Kari & Nicholette

We get into:

• Why these powerful, capable women love to submit: the exhilaration of submission

• The case for solo submission, and not expecting your partner to solve everything

• Why the biggest responsibility of a sub is staying connected to and communicating your truth

• Nicholette’s “submissive Barbie” mode where she goes numb and performs; Kari’s hyper-vigilance that pulls her out of sensation and into micro-monitoring

• Tools for coming back when things go sideways: humor, breath, do-overs, reporting “the weather”

• Using shame as erotic fuel that can ignite connection

Submission isn’t about disappearing, it’s about staying so fully in yourself that your surrender becomes a gift, not a collapse.

(Heads up: there are some internet glitches that cause brief cut-outs during this episode.)

Chapters Timestamps

0:00 — What we’re talking about today

1:21 — What submission really feels like to two women who practice it

9:04 — How submission can unlock intimacy and sex by bypassing overthinking

12:10 — An ecstatic rollercoaster: what trusting your Dom actually feels like

19:56 — Introducing solo submission: why you don’t need a Dom to be a sub

34:28 — Shadow sides of submission: people-pleasing, caretaking, dissociation, hyper-vigilance

40:35 — Tools for re-aligning: humor, breath, “do-overs,” naming what’s happening, embodying “the brat”

41:13 — What it means to take personal responsibility for your surrender

47:41 — Abdicating vs. owning your desires: making it the Dom’s “job” kills the dynamic

54:17 — There’s always another layer of shame, control, or tenderness to find and unravel as a sub

Thanks for reading and listening to Erotic Reclamation!

If this episode did something for you—turned you on, made you think, made you feel a little less alone—subscribe, leave a comment, share it with someone who needs it… and then come back for more.

Because you get to want more.

With love,

Kari & Nicholette

In this episode, we share what submission and surrender mean to us. Because in our lives, it’s not role play or a performance, it’s an integrated part of our relationships and identities. Nicholette talks about her 24/7 Dominant/submissive marriage and how sitting on the floor makes her feel more powerful than sitting in a chair. Kari shares how she actually started by exploring dominance, but it wasn’t until she experienced submission that her “true sexual essence came online.”

We also get into:

• why healthy submission doesn’t include self-abandonment

• how to know if submission is something worth exploring for you

• what it actually looks like to integrate submission into a busy, powerful life

If you’ve ever felt a pull toward surrender but didn’t know what to do with it, this one’s for you.

(Heads up: there are some internet glitches that cause brief cut-outs during this episode.)

Chapter Timestamps

0:00 — What we’re talking about today

3:57 — “We’re just weirdos”: normalizing the conversation

6:00 — Nicholette’s submissive origins: containment, care, defilement

9:45 — Devotion, service, and AOL chat rooms

12:55 — The trap of over-giving vs. true submission

14:10 — Nicholette’s 24/7 dynamic and why she’s sitting on the floor

16:38 — What it was like resisting her own desire to submit

18:50 — Losing power by projecting instead of being present

24:46 — Kari’s journey: from Dominance to discovering submission

28:16 — Exploring submission in committed partnership

32:11 — How you can start to explore submission with us. (Learn more here.)

32:58 — Stepping in and out: how Kari structures scenes and uses humor

38:10 — How and why Nicholette & her partner avoid “default” dynamics

46:30 — There is no “right” way to do power play

48:30 — Invitation: what’s at the core of submission for YOU?

Thanks for reading and listening to Erotic Reclamation!

If this episode did something for you—turned you on, made you think, made you feel a little less alone—subscribe, leave a comment, share it with someone who needs it… and then come back for more.

Because you get to want more.

With love,

Kari & Nicholette

Subscribe now

Our approach goes beyond what you’ll typically find at BDSM workshops and play parties. We focus on:

• Embodied exploration of claiming your desires, energetic eroticism, power play, conflict repair, and so much more

• Meeting shame with tenderness, while reconnecting to your body’s erotic intelligence

• Trauma-informed containers that prioritize nervous system safety, transparent communication, and full-body “fuck yes” consent and boundaries

• Building a healthy, integrated relationship with your sexual cravings and sexual partners

• Finding the kind of pleasure your body and soul has been dreaming of, but wasn’t sure really existed…

Whether you’re curious about kink, navigating a Dominant/submissive awakening, or wanting to deepen what you’ve already been exploring, there’s a place for you here. No experience necessary, but all experience welcome.

Learn more about our upcoming programs at eroticreclamation.com.